I’m Drunk

| December 14, 2018 | Reply

Our “lifestyle” columnist rails against personality tests

I’m drunk.

‘Tis the season.

Hey, speaking of which. Because it’s Christmas. And because you’re my best mate, and you’ve always been there… no, no, you HAVE been… you have…
And because it’s Christmas.

Check out this ridonculous deal that’s just been authorised by Agora Lifestyles Publisher Joshua Allen.

This’ll cost you less than a pint – well, a pint here in London at any rate.

And it could… p-o-t-e-n-t-i-a-l-l-y… pay for ALL your Christmas boozing. And then some.

Check out this cracking Christmas offer while it’s still open.

Apparently, I’m actually a virtuoso

The festive drink-ups are starting to take their toll. This morning I had to do a personality test at work while hungover.

“No,” I told my boss.

“Everyone has to.”

So now my personality type is Difficult Whinger With Sweaty Face And Bloodshot Eyes.

Fair.

I clicked on the link. It took me to a website that claimed we are all one of 16 personality types.

All of us. You, me, a baby, Jacob Rees-Mogg, every single tax driver. We all fit into one of these 16 boxes.

There was a page describing each of the 16 types.

Architect – Imaginative and strategic thinkers, with a plan for everything.

Logician – Innovative inventors with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

She studied sculpture at St Martin’s college, that’s where I…

Sorry.

I scrolled through. Every one of the 16 had a glowing review.

‘Charismatic and inspiring leaders, able to mesmerize their listeners.’

‘Flexible and charming artists, always ready to explore and experience something new.’

‘Extraordinarily caring, social and popular people, always eager to help.’

This is how you know the whole thing is BS. I don’t know about you, but I’ve met humans. I’ve lived among them and learned their ways. I’ve experienced their personalities.

And some of them are… how to put this diplomatically… complete turds.

No offence – some of my best friends are people – but how can you have a comprehensive set of personality types covering the entire global population and have all of them be positive?

Where are the racists?

Where are the people who keep their phone screen turned on in the cinema?

The people who organise social gatherings where everyone wears a Christmas jumper?

Where are the unvarnished, 24 carat, copperbottomed sh*tbags?

But I took the test anyway, because I was made to. If you’re wondering, I came out as ‘Virtuoso’.

Description: Bold and practical experimenters, masters of all kinds of tools.

Hmm, yeah, I nodded as I read that pithy summation of my undeniable awesomeness.

Maybe that is me. It kind of is, really. I’m amazing.

Then I did a bold and practical experiment. I wrote a description that was the complete opposite.

‘Timid and afraid to experiment, with zero mastery of any tools.’

This also felt a bit like me. I mean, I wear the same four t-shirts pretty much on rotation, refusing to engage in any bold or experimental fashion choices.

I pile those clothes and all my other clothes on a chair next to my bed, because my chest of drawers is knackered. I don’t know how to fix it, don’t have the tools and wouldn’t know how to use them if I did.

Then I thought, let’s see what happens if I give my inverted description a positive spin.

So instead of ‘Timid and afraid to experiment, with zero mastery of any tools’ we get ‘Sticks to proven methods, comfortable delegating to those with greater expertise.’

That’s the description I sent to my boss.

“Yeah, that’s you.”

Yours sincerely,

The Elite Metropolitan

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